The past 48 hours have probably been the most difficult in days. I don't really have any explanation why, but they have. My body hurts all over and every breath feels as if it is going to be my last. Here are a couple of reasons why:
I find myself remembering special moments of my life that included my significant other. Example, My babies being born. My second child's birth was so difficult and he and my twin were there with me the whole time. Then, we had to hear the Doctor utter the words that we needed to be prepared for his death. Wow! Tough one there. Then, in an almost simultanious thought, I have a memory of being told how stupid I am. I hear words uttered in a name calling fashion that haunt me daily. How is this possible? Why do we constantly team good with the bad? Perhaps it is that reality called Life.
Next, anger hits me. The kind of anger that few can understand. Anger so bad that it makes me want to punch something so hard. Anger from broken promises. Anger from expectations that come with saying the words "I Do". Hmmm, right now I'm thinking more along the lines of "I Don't!" I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to wake up in this mess I created. I don't want to bend over and take it. I don't want to be a doormat to the world anymore. I don't want to hurt my beautiful children. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to feel that I am stupid or naive. I just DON'T.
I am so angry and hurt.
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"For it must needs be, that there is an oppostion in all things. If not so...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power, and the mercy, and the justice of God."
~2 Nephi 2:11-12~
Just remember that nothing about you or your life is for naught...and without the pain of the bad stuff, you wouldn't know just how wonderful the good stuff is. And at the beginning, middle, and end of every day, you have people who love you MORE THAN ENOUGH to make up whatever difference for the lack of love you feel from other sources, or even for yourself right now. We weren't sent here to do it alone...and we weren't expected to be ABLE to do it alone. So there's no shame in borrowing strength from others when you need it. That's what grace and mercy are all about.
I love you...
Ya-Ya
Remember-- as another going through this, one thing I've learned.
This feeling will pass. And you'll have worse ones. And better ones. And letting yourself embrace and feel every new emotion will be better for you than trying to fight them.
Unsolicited advice, yes, but it was the best thing I've done.
hugs hun,.
Debbi, thank you for your kind words. I am struggling more now than I ever have in the past. I find myself in a state of permanent distress
I know, Anna. I do know.
But it gets better. You'll see.
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