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The past 48 hours have probably been the most difficult in days. I don't really have any explanation why, but they have. My body hurts all over and every breath feels as if it is going to be my last. Here are a couple of reasons why:

I find myself remembering special moments of my life that included my significant other. Example, My babies being born. My second child's birth was so difficult and he and my twin were there with me the whole time. Then, we had to hear the Doctor utter the words that we needed to be prepared for his death. Wow! Tough one there. Then, in an almost simultanious thought, I have a memory of being told how stupid I am. I hear words uttered in a name calling fashion that haunt me daily. How is this possible? Why do we constantly team good with the bad? Perhaps it is that reality called Life.

Next, anger hits me. The kind of anger that few can understand. Anger so bad that it makes me want to punch something so hard. Anger from broken promises. Anger from expectations that come with saying the words "I Do". Hmmm, right now I'm thinking more along the lines of "I Don't!" I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to wake up in this mess I created. I don't want to bend over and take it. I don't want to be a doormat to the world anymore. I don't want to hurt my beautiful children. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to feel that I am stupid or naive. I just DON'T.

I am so angry and hurt.